How do you know?

By böhringer friedrich (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-2.5], via Wikimedia Commons

Because I never dated, and instead, chose to wait until I found the man I will marry, I often get asked the question, "how do you know?" People fall in love all the time, and God knows I had thought once before (just once, thankfully) that I was in love with "the one", only to be proven wrong. Nobody likes it when that happens, and I'm sure many people who go through many failed relationships sincerely just want to fall in love with the right person and spend the rest of their lives together. And so, in this post, I will attempt to answer that question, in the hope that somebody might benefit from this little insight of mine.

First of all, the question can be taken in two ways: "How do you know this person is the one?" and "How do you know that it's love?" I have somewhat addressed the former question before, and so this time, I will answer the latter. This question of whether it's true love or not is an important and crucial question, not just for those who are about to start a romantic relationship with someone, but for those who want their existing relationship to last. Sure, it takes love to start a committed relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, but it also takes love - persistent and enduring love - to stay in one. We must know what love is if we wish to develop it, to nurture it, to strengthen it.

So how do I know it's real love?

I know it's real because it sheds light in my life and in myself. Not just the glow and radiance characteristic of romantic love that makes all things beautiful and finds great joy even in lives that previously only knew darkness. That light always comes with romantic love, and all lovers can attest to that. But it doesn't stop there. Romantic love, just as any other kind of love, must be a reflection of Christ, who is Himself light and love. And just as Christ's light reveals the beauty, grace, and overall goodness, so it also makes visible all the ugliness that seek to hide beneath the surface of things. Our Lord's love sheds light on everything. On goodness; because His beauty, His grace and mercy, abound. On evil; simply because it exists and must be defeated.

The Creation of Light / Gustave Doré

I know it's real because the relationship I have with my beloved sheds light on all things, both good and bad. As our relationship matures and grows in love, and as this love fills our lives, we begin to see ourselves and everything else more clearly. I see undeniable and unbelievable beauty, I feel inexpressible joy and elation. But I also see evil. The more I love, the more my sins become visible to me. Sometimes the light becomes too bright to be comfortable and I see my mistakes and transgressions for what they really are. I begin to see them where they were previously well-hidden. The light of love reveals my sinfulness to me so clearly that makes it difficult to deny it, to justify it, to pretend that I have any excuse for allowing it to corrupt me, and worse, to potentially corrupt or hurt the person I love.

This is how I know it's real. Because this love is rooted in truth - sometimes, in cold, harsh truth. It's not the kind that screams "take me for what I am and let me have my flaws!" or "let me do whatever I wish!" Not at all. It's the kind that doesn't let me look away from my imperfections and unworthiness without burdening my conscience. My love for him demands that I face them head on no matter how unsettling they are; it demands that I change them no matter how painful and difficult it may be. This love is light, pure and simple, and it comes from an all-consuming fire that seeks to purify - to make all things perfect. This fire is often harsh to our fallen, human selves, but it is what we are meant for. And so, for my love to be worthy, it must pass through fire. I must pass through fire. To reject this great light, fueled by the all-consuming fire, that comes with true love is to reject love altogether.

I choose to love. Therefore, I must let its flames purify me.

By Jim Capaldi from Springfield, USA (Sacred Heart) [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons