No Love Without Chastity

"Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love."
--Pope John Paul II

The girl in front of me was fidgeting and looked to be almost close to tears. She had looked that way since I started asking about her situation - her eyes moist with tears that never fall. It has almost been an hour since she came to see me, and within the first half hour she had received the most relieving news - she was not pregnant, contrary to her great fear and suspicion. She had calmed down a lot since, but her eyes were still misty, her expression far from peaceful.

After a lot of discussion, I couldn't help it. I had to ask this young, troubled, unmarried girl: "Why do you have sex?"

A sniffle. A deep breath. "Because I choose to."

My uncle took drugs because he chose to, I thought. But I kept my mouth shut and nodded instead.

"And... to show him how I feel. But now... now, I don't want to have sex anymore," she said, her voice almost breaking. She looked like she was about to cry again, but as before, the tears never left her eyes.

She went on to tell me that she wasn't even sure if she wants a future with her boyfriend, if she sees him as a husband, or a father of her kids. "And yet, I'm having sex with him which could get me pregnant," she said.

It is always puzzling to me how people engage in sexual activity with their current partners and then become surprised when they feel they might be pregnant. This disconnect between having sex and the possibility of pregnancy is not uncommon among young people today. There is often panic, because pregnancy means possibly having children. They usually say they aren't ready for these consequences. And for most of them, the thought that their sexual partner could be in their life forever was something they have never considered, whether it's someone they might have to marry, or someone who would be present in their lives to an extent as a part of the child's life. Often, the consequences of sleeping with a boyfriend or girlfriend, whether it's pregnancy or an STD or two, was something they never signed up for. And yet, they persist in behaviors that open the possibility for these undesired, long-term consequences. And for what reason? Choice? Evidently, the the possible outcomes of their actions was something they never chose. Nobody wakes up and thinks "I want to exercise my free choice today to have an STD" or "Today, I want to exercise my right to have a child that I'm so not ready for!" People choose sex - but not its consequences.

"Sex can make you pregnant??"

There is a great line in the film, Vanilla Sky, that goes "when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not." This is what happens when people have sex. The act is not just something done for pleasure. By its very nature, it is the joining of two people who have given themselves to each other. It is an outward sign of an inner reality - and that is the union of hearts and souls. Additionally, the permanent nature of its natural consequence, that is, the conception of a child, tells us that it is not something that two people could do without the intention and the promise of being together permanently. This decision is sealed in marriage. This is why we are often told to wait until we get married (and those who aren't told, often feel cheated of a great truth). Contrary to the popular view, sex is a big deal. God did not give us sexuality just so we could all have a good time. There is a way to express our sexual natures in a true and honest way, without rejecting the natural consequences (possibility of procreation, as well as various physiological, emotional, even neurological changes that occur in the sexual act) and the meaning and great significance attached to it. How do we do this? One word. Chastity.

Chastity is so very inconvenient and perhaps, even offensive, to our modern, "liberated" sensibilities, that it is not at all surprising that it's widely rejected. But although chastity is very much a religious virtue, the benefits are not limited to the spiritual and psychological, but extend to other areas such as health and academics. Teens who abstain from sexual activity are less likely to be clinically depressed, more likely to do well academically, and are free of the many health issues associated with risky sexual behavior and with ingesting hormonal contraceptives such as STDs, cervical cancer from HPV, irreversible and adverse effects on fertility, fatal blood clots, and so on.  Not to mention those who saved themselves for their spouse have happier and more lasting marriages. And that's only naming a few of the documented benefits of living chastely. And where chastity is rejected or worse, assaulted, bad things happen. God's laws come first, science follows.

The Blessed Virgin and her most chaste spouse.

True love requires chastity. It is not simply a virtue of sexual abstinence, but one that also encompasses the mind, heart, and will. It is the knowledge and appreciation of the other as a whole person and not just a body that gives pleasure. It is the acknowledgment that one is first, a brother/sister in Christ before anything, as we read in the Song of Songs: "A garden locked is my sister, my bride, a garden closed, a fountain sealed." Blessed John Paul II reflected that the order ('my sister' came before 'my bride') was no accident, and that the former term of address is the lover acknowledging his and his beloved's common humanity and dignity in Christ. This way, one treats the beloved with the utmost, almost trembling respect, as God's very own image and likeness that one dares not corrupt or debase. Disinterested love develops, which is love that seeks the good of the beloved no matter what the cost to the lover. It is called 'disinterested' in that the lover ceases to be an 'interested party', and pursues only the best interests of the object of love. It is the first act of giving of oneself that happens before marriage, as one begins to live to serve another instead of the self. It is inherently self-less. It is done out of love for the Lord which extends to His son/daughter. It is the start of desiring the salvation of another; of loving a person more than the gratification of one's desires or achieving personal happiness.

This is why people who are protective of their own happiness often fail to love. For when loving feelings dissipate, they feel they owe it to themselves to be happy again, and so they move on, forget the promises they made, and seek their own personal happiness at the expense of the person they left behind. This is also why people who are used to seeking the gratification of the senses have no room to love truly. Engaging in sensual pleasures focus our attentions inward - that is, to the self. The same is true for pain, which is also sensory. When our sensations are strong, we tend to forget everything outside of it. If you have a huge, gaping wound, it is difficult to pay attention to anything else. This is also true for strong sensual pleasures. If we are used to giving in, we are inadvertently building the destructive habit of attending only to ourselves. And when we do that, we are not leaving room for true love. For true love, as we just discussed, is inherently selfless.

Does this mean we ought to denounce all sorts of physical pleasures, especially sexual intimacy? Not at all! This is the grave mistake of going the other way and taking it to the extreme. For as we know, the one-flesh union is undeniably necessary within a marital relationship. Chastity is not hatred or total rejection of sex. The virtue involves abstaining from sex as a main component, but as we've established, abstinence is not all the virtue is about. Because if that were so, then the marital sexual union would be wrong, too. And we know that this is not the case. A common misconception is that chastity is a virtue for single people only. This is incorrect - the call to chastity does not end on the wedding day. People often forget that married couples are also called to chastity.

The marriage license is not a carte blanche for gratifying all sexual and carnal desire. Married couples are just as called to disinterested love as everybody else. Sexual intimacy must always be an expression of love and unity which involves the respect of one another as persons. It should always be the outward expression of a perfect unity that already exists - that is, the union of two hearts, minds, and souls, whom God have joined and who have vowed to remain as such. Without those things, as... preconditions, if you may, the sexual act is empty and becomes merely a mixing of two bodies for physical pleasure. Married couples are not immune to sins against chastity, i.e. lust. They are also capable of using each other as objects of pleasure if they do not abide by God and lose sight of the meaning of true love. One might even say that it is even worse to lust after one's spouse for it is an offense against love, and thus an offense against marital vows made before God.

As with many things, virtue is about balance. It is not giving our carnal appetites free rein (even within marriage), nor is it rejecting sexual desire. Food, for example, is to satisfy hunger and appetite. We control our intake of food as necessary. First, we do not give solid food to infants, even if babies like to grab the food and try to eat it. We keep them from eating adult food until they are ready. As adults, we also avoid unhealthy foods as much as possible, and we do not overfeed ourselves to obesity. We are aware of the growing threat of obesity with the ubiquity of unhealthy, fatty foods and with the decline in discipline among many. But the fact that obesity happens does not make us reject our appetite for food; it doesn't make us reject eating altogether. It is similar with the sexual appetite. Just because sexuality can be misused and abused does not mean we ought to do away with it completely. Chastity is about the proper expression of sexual desire, not rejection of sexual desire. It is about knowing the right time to express it (within marriage); when the right time comes, it's about ensuring the right conditions are met (i.e. free from lust). Sexual desire is in us for a reason - because the desire for union with the person we love is a reflection of our soul's desire for union with God. This is why the sacrament of matrimony is so important, so central to our faith and to society. It is the expression of God's truth - of that much-awaited union of Christ and His Church. And when the Bridegroom comes, the Bride must be perfect. The Bride must be pure. We must be pure.

The next time you complain how unreasonable a demand
chastity is, look at this image.

Our over-sexualized culture makes it difficult to practise chastity. But it is possible if we are willing to take the necessary effort. In fact, we must make the necessary effort, if we wish to follow Christ. I am reminded of the words of St. Josemaria Escriva:

"To defend his purity, Saint Francis of Assisi rolled in the snow, Saint Benedict threw himself into a thornbush, Saint Bernard plunged into an icy pond . . . You . . . what have you done?"