On Being In Love

More than once, people have come to me about a newfound love, with those oh-so-familiar starry eyes and the giddiness of a schoolgirl. And almost unfailingly, each person would say excitedly, "this is it."

It gets difficult to believe after the fifth or so time. And it's almost puzzling how, after years of failed relationships with each ex-boyfriend or girlfriend believed to be 'the one', people never waver in their confidence that they've found the right one 'this time'.

There are some who have taken a more 'realistic' approach, and avoid speaking of their current relationship as if it would last forever. "Sure, we like each other, but we'll see how it goes." This approach is only useful for cushioning the self more or less effectively when it results in failure. Sure, it failed, but hey, they knew it all along right? But often, the failure happens because they never valued it all along.  You can almost hear the sound of the baby crying for being thrown out in the cold with the bathwater.

The problem with the "realistic approach" is that it denies the natural desires of romantic love, which is the desire, the intense passion and feeling that gives rise to the conviction that it's going to last forever. It attempts to build relationships without a key element of romance. And in doing so, fails. The problem with the 100th-this-is-it people, is that their only understanding of romantic love is the intense feelings. So that when these feelings start to cool down naturally overtime, they begin to lose their motivation, and all that's left is this person who demands so much of their time and annoys them sometimes. And then, failure.

So what's the proper approach? First, let's look at the nature of romantic love. For this, I must turn to the ever wise, ever eloquent C.S. Lewis:

It is part of the nature of a strong erotic passion [romantic love] — as distinct from a transient fit of appetite — that it makes more towering promises than any other emotion. . . To be in love involves the almost irresistible conviction that one will go on being in love until one dies. . .

The first thing is to recognize the nature of falling in love. We cannot deny the feelings that come with it without distorting it. We must accept that part of these strong emotions is the claim of eternity.

But Lewis goes on to say,

Unfortunately these promises are found often to be quite untrue.

We know this from experience, as all of us know at least one person who has told us that such-and-such was "the one" but is no longer with that partner. But note that Lewis did not say 'always found to be untrue', but 'often'. Which means such promises do not have to be untrue. In fact, there are cases when they have been made true. The operative word there is 'made'. Falling in love impels us to promise eternity. But it is not the feelings of being in love that keep it. It is up to us - not our emotions or our moods, but our efforts, guided by a strong will, dedication, and commitment.

It is also important that we do not forget the role of reason which guides us towards who to make and keep such promises to. We will feel a variation of "this is it" multiple times, but not all objects of such desires are worthy of our promise of eternity. And it is when the emotion is especially strong that we should be extra cautious, and really take reason up to task. For that has the greater ability to deceive us. Choosing my beloved is not something that falling in love drove me to do. Don't get me wrong, I had (and have) every intense desire to be with him. But it is 'falling in love' that fueled it, and my will that accomplished it. I knew he was the right person because it was the first time that my heart and my head were in complete agreement. I felt and knew he was the one. So that years from now I would never look back and wonder, as many couples do, "why on earth did I choose this person?" There is usually a second part to that question that is unspoken which is, "...and not somebody else?" And it is a good question to ask before choosing a boyfriend/girlfriend who will ultimately be your spouse. "Why this person and not someone else? What makes him/her special?" I know I'll never ask that question years from now because I knew the answer before I decided to be with my man. Because before I even met him, I knew what I wanted in a husband. And as I got to know him through a long friendship (five or so years), I discovered that he fit the profile. So I will never forget why I'm with him because I chose him for who he is, not just because of what I felt at the time.

Lewis provides us a good picture of a good, blissful, and lasting relationship:

When two people achieve lasting happiness, this is not solely because they are great lovers but because they are also — I must put it crudely — good people; controlled, loyal, fair-minded, mutually adaptable people. [emphasis mine]

It is not the strength of our emotions that give happiness and permanence to romantic relationships. It is the strength of will of those involved. While the wonderful, giddy, passionate emotions are inherent in romantic love, they should always be tempered by a clear mind and a strong will. And best of all, by the goodness and grace of God that abide in us, as long as we abide by Him.