How do you know?

By böhringer friedrich (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-2.5], via Wikimedia Commons

Because I never dated, and instead, chose to wait until I found the man I will marry, I often get asked the question, "how do you know?" People fall in love all the time, and God knows I had thought once before (just once, thankfully) that I was in love with "the one", only to be proven wrong. Nobody likes it when that happens, and I'm sure many people who go through many failed relationships sincerely just want to fall in love with the right person and spend the rest of their lives together. And so, in this post, I will attempt to answer that question, in the hope that somebody might benefit from this little insight of mine.

First of all, the question can be taken in two ways: "How do you know this person is the one?" and "How do you know that it's love?" I have somewhat addressed the former question before, and so this time, I will answer the latter. This question of whether it's true love or not is an important and crucial question, not just for those who are about to start a romantic relationship with someone, but for those who want their existing relationship to last. Sure, it takes love to start a committed relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, but it also takes love - persistent and enduring love - to stay in one. We must know what love is if we wish to develop it, to nurture it, to strengthen it.

So how do I know it's real love?

I know it's real because it sheds light in my life and in myself. Not just the glow and radiance characteristic of romantic love that makes all things beautiful and finds great joy even in lives that previously only knew darkness. That light always comes with romantic love, and all lovers can attest to that. But it doesn't stop there. Romantic love, just as any other kind of love, must be a reflection of Christ, who is Himself light and love. And just as Christ's light reveals the beauty, grace, and overall goodness, so it also makes visible all the ugliness that seek to hide beneath the surface of things. Our Lord's love sheds light on everything. On goodness; because His beauty, His grace and mercy, abound. On evil; simply because it exists and must be defeated.

The Creation of Light / Gustave Doré

I know it's real because the relationship I have with my beloved sheds light on all things, both good and bad. As our relationship matures and grows in love, and as this love fills our lives, we begin to see ourselves and everything else more clearly. I see undeniable and unbelievable beauty, I feel inexpressible joy and elation. But I also see evil. The more I love, the more my sins become visible to me. Sometimes the light becomes too bright to be comfortable and I see my mistakes and transgressions for what they really are. I begin to see them where they were previously well-hidden. The light of love reveals my sinfulness to me so clearly that makes it difficult to deny it, to justify it, to pretend that I have any excuse for allowing it to corrupt me, and worse, to potentially corrupt or hurt the person I love.

This is how I know it's real. Because this love is rooted in truth - sometimes, in cold, harsh truth. It's not the kind that screams "take me for what I am and let me have my flaws!" or "let me do whatever I wish!" Not at all. It's the kind that doesn't let me look away from my imperfections and unworthiness without burdening my conscience. My love for him demands that I face them head on no matter how unsettling they are; it demands that I change them no matter how painful and difficult it may be. This love is light, pure and simple, and it comes from an all-consuming fire that seeks to purify - to make all things perfect. This fire is often harsh to our fallen, human selves, but it is what we are meant for. And so, for my love to be worthy, it must pass through fire. I must pass through fire. To reject this great light, fueled by the all-consuming fire, that comes with true love is to reject love altogether.

I choose to love. Therefore, I must let its flames purify me.

By Jim Capaldi from Springfield, USA (Sacred Heart) [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Must Love Our Lady

I came across this excellent and inspiring page where we can take a minute to spend time with our Blessed Mother, as we ought to. Daily. And for a much longer time than what the page asks for (you love your Heavenly Mother more than that!).

But this site has got me thinking about love for the Blessed Virgin. Perhaps it should be one of the criteria for selecting a future mate. To truly and fully love the Blessed Virgin Mary is to love obedience, humility, and most of all, purity. Being our Lord's masterpiece, and in the most eloquent words of William Wordsworth, "our tainted nature's solitary boast", nobody is as pure as the Mother of our Lord. Ladies, a man with such a deep reverence and devotion to Mary will surely value and pursue purity and holiness in the woman he loves. And a woman who loves the Virgin Mary genuinely and completely will surely strive to follow Her excellent example of chastity, total obedience, and complete abandon to the will of God, unfazed by any great suffering it might entail. Such a woman is sure to be ever loyal, ever loving to her beloved no matter what the cost to her.

But most important of all, love of the Lord's Mother is love of our Lord Himself.  Even those who begin loving Mary for Mary's sake alone,  cannot remain thus if they truly loved our Lady. Let's not forget that our Lady's last recorded words in Scripture point eternally to Christ, "Whatsoever he shall say to you, do ye."

Our love for the Blessed Mother naturally flows from the love of our Lord. Our Lord was formed in her womb. We cannot love our Lord without loving the woman He loves dearly, the woman who had been closest to Him. She carried Him in her womb. She is precious to me, just like everything my beloved touches becomes almost sacred. I love her like I automatically love my beloved's family.  I want to be close to her, in the same way that my heart trembles as I hold with utmost care and reverence the letters I receive from the man I love because the same pages were held by him. We are deceiving ourselves if we still choose to believe that Our Lord came into close contact, was intimately united, with His mother and left her unchanged and empty, without leaving something of Himself in her. That does not sound like our Lord, who has revealed Himself to be relational beyond all measure and expectation, with a love that defies human comprehension  yet is supremely and undeniably Love. That could not be our Lord, who gave Himself  completely to us and continues to give Himself to us in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

My fellow romantics,  we expect our significant others to love and respect our earthly, biological mothers who are human and (therefore) imperfect. How can we not expect greater love and deep reverence for the Mother of our Lord, our Heavenly Mother, who is immaculate and free from sin? God made it easy for us when He made her as perfect as can be.

So how do you know you've found an exceptional man or woman of God? Find someone who loves our Heavenly Mother. Other people strictly say 'must love dogs'. Let's say, must love Our Lady.

"What It's Like to Be in Love"

Instead of the usual social commentary, I saw this pleasantly surprising blog post at National Review's The Corner, which describes quite eloquently the experience of being in love:

. . . being in love transforms not only one’s view of the love-object, but also of oneself and of the whole world. To the person in love, the whole world seems to come into a brighter and clearer focus, and inspires a sense of omni-competence: Anything I didn’t do before, out of laziness or lack of motivation, I am now able to do, and want to do.

Read the rest.

Does that ring true for you?

Real Men

They get it. Watch and learn.



For more info on the documentary, please visit the website: http://www.menaintboys.com/

H/T The Art of Manliness

Quotes of the Day on Chastity

"Purity is not something negative; it is not just an unopened bud; it is not something cold; it is not ignorance of life. Is justice merely the absence of dishonesty? Is mercy merely the absence of cruelty? Is faith merely the absence of doubt? Purity is not merely the absence of sensuality; it is selflessness born of love and the highest love of all."

- Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

This is an echo of what Chesterton said prior to that about virtue, which I happened to read today as well:

Virtue is not the absence of vices or the avoidance of moral dangers; virtue is a vivid and separate thing, like pain or a particular smell. Mercy does not mean not being cruel or sparing people revenge or punishment; it means a plain and positive thing like the sun, which one has either seen or not seen. 

Chastity does not mean abstention from sexual wrong; it means something flaming, like Joan of Arc. In a word, God paints in many colours;  but He never paints so gorgeously. . . as when He paints in white. [emphasis mine]

These brilliant and eloquent words are important, because these days, many try to downplay the virtue. And many are just all too happy to embrace any kind of reasoning that concludes chastity to be unnecessary. In fact, many already have. "It's too difficult", they say or "it's unrealistic", or "it's impossible". Well, it is tough, but nothing worthwhile ever comes easily. This virtue was important to pursue then. It's just as important now, no matter what the world tells us. The One who called us to chastity then still calls us to it now. The only thing that's changed is that somewhere down the line, many of us stopped listening.

It's Good To Talk

Often, we hear guys complain about how much their girlfriends talk. I usually do not see this as a good sign. If you want your significant other to talk less, or if you want to talk less with your significant other, then how do you expect to stay together happily for a long time?

Now, the criticism here lies not with guys alone. Many times, when guys complain about their girlfriends 'yakking', it's because the girls very rarely say anything worth listening to. I've spoken with such people myself. I have worked alongside girls who talk non-stop about Twilight and I don't know what irritates me more - the fact that these people applaud such poorly written trash or that they seem convinced that I would buy into it, too. And that's not even mentioning the many girls I've known who considers Perez Hilton's blog leisure reading. Some people are just thoroughly uninteresting. I hear ya. But I must raise this question: why are you with someone who doesn't interest you? With whom you don't enjoy conversing for hours?

Let me tell you one of the many things that led me to believe that my beloved was truly the one I wanted to be with. When he and I were just friends, we found ourselves chatting for hours and emailing often. One day, as I was responding to his emails, a thought occured:

I could do this for the rest of my life.

I felt that he and I could talk and talk for the rest of our lives without ever running out of things to talk about. I found him incredibly interesting. Our conversations in the beginning were rarely about ourselves or our personal lives. They were about politics, religion, philosophy, literature, and so on. Every time we talked, I grow in my understanding of things, and inadvertently, in my understanding of him. Things made more sense. We were exploring the world of ideas together, seeing things in each other's eyes. I never considered myself intelligent enough to interest him, but my interactions with him have certainly helped sharpen my mind. As our friendship developed, we eventually began talking about ourselves and asking about each other - what did you do today? What kind of music do you like? What's your family like? And so on and so forth. A whole new world has opened up; we were plumbing new depths. We were getting to know each other as persons. It was exciting.

And it still is six years later. I know we will never get bored with each other. We have life, the universe, and everything to talk about. There is still so much to learn about each other. So many things in my beloved's endlessly fascinating mind for me to discover. And this is not even mentioning the many shared experiences we are looking forward to that will connect us further and more deeply.

So please, please find someone you love talking to. And perhaps equally important, be someone worth talking to. Read more, think more. Take interest in things that matter. Faith, love, beauty, morality, living the good life, meaning, purpose, and so on. If you take a genuine interest in these things, the rest will follow. Soon, you will be looking at theology, philosophy, politics, religion, etc. We weren't created with a rational mind in order to lose it on intellectual laziness. Why is this important? Because it is important to be a whole person before we are joined with someone. And we can't demand great qualities from somebody that we don't even try to achieve ourselves. Before we seek somebody interesting, we need to be someone whom they would be interested in.

Marriage hopefuls, you have friends in high places.

One of the beauties of being Catholic is having recourse to the prayers of our Saints and all Heavenly Hosts. Prayer intentions can range from finding employment to - yes, that's right - finding your future mate! I know for people who want to find good Christian spouses in such a fallen world, the search often seems hopeless and in vain. But I would advise you to keep the faith, and never settle for anyone less than a godly man or woman with dignity, depth, and who simply radiates the love of Christ. Remember, that only people who know and love God can truly love.

Most important of all, pray. Pray for guidance that you may be led to the right vocation, be it marriage or otherwise. Pray that, if God has intended you for marriage, He would lead you to the right person. Pray that you will always be open to God's plan for your life. And to help your chances, enlist the help of the Saints and Angels, particularly, St. Raphael, who is the patron saint of finding your special someone.

 © Marie-Lan Nguyen / Wikimedia Commons

As is written in Scripture 365 times, "be not afraid." The world is clearly in a bad way, but don't worry - you have friends in high places.

Marriage - You're Doing It Wrong!

Every once in a while - okay, most of the time - I encounter a blogger who has so many more wise and interesting things to say than I could. This is one of those times. Jennifer Fulwiler at National Catholic Register makes a plea to her readers not to read Khalil Gibran's well-known poem, On Marriage, on their wedding day. She summarizes the very sad and destructive approach to marriage prescribed by the poem:

1. Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
2. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
3. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
4. Stand together yet not too near together.

Read more

Fulwiler has a more fitting title for the list above: How to Have a Difficult Marriage.

How to Fail at Marriage could work, too.

Using the Via Negativa tradition, if you want to understand love, romance, and marriage, sometimes it's good to know what they are not. That is the only purpose that Khalil Gibran's On Marriage serves for the married and marriage hopefuls such as myself. The only useful thing it tells us is what marriage is not. The 'advice' listed should be seen as red flags - if our thoughts start to mirror the ideas of the poem, we should know at once that something is wrong. And fix it. FAST.

We can do better than what this sad, modern culture offers us. So let's.

Natural Family - what?

Many married women I've spoken have tried numerous birth control methods but have never heard of Natural Family Planning (NFP). If you're one of them and you're wondering why, here's one of the reasons:






These NFP vs Contraception videos are made by seminarians in the Saginaw diocese. I recommend watching the rest. 

Media also makes an appearance here:





Happy Viewing!

Encouraging the man in your life

Here is a good piece from a blog I just recently discovered, Betty Beguiles, on encouraging your husband:

• Compliment him on his strengths and achievements and acknowledge his victories. 
• Create a peaceful atmosphere within our home. Make it a place that he can lay down his burdens and rest easy.
• Pray for him. Reread The Power of a Praying Wife.
• Write him love letters. Make sure he knows how absolutely swoon-worthy I find him to be.

 Read the rest.

While obviously advice for married couples, there is no reason why marriage hopefuls can't learn from it. Many of the things listed could apply to couples who are yet to be married. Encouraging and supporting the man in your life does not begin at marriage. It is a habit you continue in your married life.

Let's bring back true femininity.

Such as what's shown in this great scene from the film, A Man Called Peter.



"I've never made a speech before..."  Now, isn't she just the sweetest lady? And with brains and eloquence to match. And I think a part of what makes her so appealing is her humility. She did not get up there in front of that rowdy, obnoxious crowd because she thinks she's so great, but because she knew what needed to be said and nobody was saying it. Her courage to face such a tough crowd was fueled by her passion and commitment to the truth, and by her strong, quiet faith.

As for her wonderful speech, this part really stands out:

[T]hrough the ages she was revered, protected and loved. Men wanted to think of her as different from themselves, better, made of finer, more delicate clay. It remained for the 20th century, the century of progress, to pull her down from her throne.

She wanted equality. For 1900 years, she had not been equal. She had been superior. To stand equally with men, naturally she had to step down. Now, being equal with men, she has won all their rights and privileges; the right to get drunk, the right to swear, the right to smoke, the right to work like a man, to think like a man, to act like a man. We’ve won all this, but ought we to feel so triumphant when men no longer feel as romantic about us as they did about our grandmothers; when we’ve lost something sweet and mysterious; something as hard to describe as the haunting, wistful fragrance of violets?

It's one thing to fight real injustices against women that was going on, but not all perceived injustices are real injustices. To think of the two as one and the same is a grave mistake that's been made and is still being made as we speak. We've gone from fighting real injustices to thinking every difference between men and women to be an injustice. We started with women fighting for the right to vote and ended up with women fighting for the right to be men. Somewhere along the line, feminism went completely off track and abandoned femininity. They no longer sought respect on their own terms, but sought to achieve status on men's terms. Women are no longer delicate, refined, and an eternal mystery to men. They are like men now. And yet, the very same women are surprised that they are not being treated as superior, when they have rejected all that had made them superior.

Something to think about.

"Twenty and Engaged"

She's 20 and several years younger than I am, but she gets it. Which is more than I can say for many people of both her age and mine. And perhaps many older people.

People got married because “it is not good for man to be alone.”

But now we think it’s better if man is alone. So we tell children to live for themselves as long as they can; to establish their careers before all else; to have self-satisfying flings, and date for the fun of it; and to hold off marriage as long as they can, because life ends on the wedding day. It’s no surprise that when they grow up and marry, they remain alone, with separate careers, separate bank accounts, separate bedrooms, separate friends, separate beliefs — separate hearts.

Read the rest.

No Love Without Chastity

"Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love."
--Pope John Paul II

The girl in front of me was fidgeting and looked to be almost close to tears. She had looked that way since I started asking about her situation - her eyes moist with tears that never fall. It has almost been an hour since she came to see me, and within the first half hour she had received the most relieving news - she was not pregnant, contrary to her great fear and suspicion. She had calmed down a lot since, but her eyes were still misty, her expression far from peaceful.

After a lot of discussion, I couldn't help it. I had to ask this young, troubled, unmarried girl: "Why do you have sex?"

A sniffle. A deep breath. "Because I choose to."

My uncle took drugs because he chose to, I thought. But I kept my mouth shut and nodded instead.

"And... to show him how I feel. But now... now, I don't want to have sex anymore," she said, her voice almost breaking. She looked like she was about to cry again, but as before, the tears never left her eyes.

She went on to tell me that she wasn't even sure if she wants a future with her boyfriend, if she sees him as a husband, or a father of her kids. "And yet, I'm having sex with him which could get me pregnant," she said.

It is always puzzling to me how people engage in sexual activity with their current partners and then become surprised when they feel they might be pregnant. This disconnect between having sex and the possibility of pregnancy is not uncommon among young people today. There is often panic, because pregnancy means possibly having children. They usually say they aren't ready for these consequences. And for most of them, the thought that their sexual partner could be in their life forever was something they have never considered, whether it's someone they might have to marry, or someone who would be present in their lives to an extent as a part of the child's life. Often, the consequences of sleeping with a boyfriend or girlfriend, whether it's pregnancy or an STD or two, was something they never signed up for. And yet, they persist in behaviors that open the possibility for these undesired, long-term consequences. And for what reason? Choice? Evidently, the the possible outcomes of their actions was something they never chose. Nobody wakes up and thinks "I want to exercise my free choice today to have an STD" or "Today, I want to exercise my right to have a child that I'm so not ready for!" People choose sex - but not its consequences.

"Sex can make you pregnant??"

There is a great line in the film, Vanilla Sky, that goes "when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not." This is what happens when people have sex. The act is not just something done for pleasure. By its very nature, it is the joining of two people who have given themselves to each other. It is an outward sign of an inner reality - and that is the union of hearts and souls. Additionally, the permanent nature of its natural consequence, that is, the conception of a child, tells us that it is not something that two people could do without the intention and the promise of being together permanently. This decision is sealed in marriage. This is why we are often told to wait until we get married (and those who aren't told, often feel cheated of a great truth). Contrary to the popular view, sex is a big deal. God did not give us sexuality just so we could all have a good time. There is a way to express our sexual natures in a true and honest way, without rejecting the natural consequences (possibility of procreation, as well as various physiological, emotional, even neurological changes that occur in the sexual act) and the meaning and great significance attached to it. How do we do this? One word. Chastity.

Chastity is so very inconvenient and perhaps, even offensive, to our modern, "liberated" sensibilities, that it is not at all surprising that it's widely rejected. But although chastity is very much a religious virtue, the benefits are not limited to the spiritual and psychological, but extend to other areas such as health and academics. Teens who abstain from sexual activity are less likely to be clinically depressed, more likely to do well academically, and are free of the many health issues associated with risky sexual behavior and with ingesting hormonal contraceptives such as STDs, cervical cancer from HPV, irreversible and adverse effects on fertility, fatal blood clots, and so on.  Not to mention those who saved themselves for their spouse have happier and more lasting marriages. And that's only naming a few of the documented benefits of living chastely. And where chastity is rejected or worse, assaulted, bad things happen. God's laws come first, science follows.

The Blessed Virgin and her most chaste spouse.

True love requires chastity. It is not simply a virtue of sexual abstinence, but one that also encompasses the mind, heart, and will. It is the knowledge and appreciation of the other as a whole person and not just a body that gives pleasure. It is the acknowledgment that one is first, a brother/sister in Christ before anything, as we read in the Song of Songs: "A garden locked is my sister, my bride, a garden closed, a fountain sealed." Blessed John Paul II reflected that the order ('my sister' came before 'my bride') was no accident, and that the former term of address is the lover acknowledging his and his beloved's common humanity and dignity in Christ. This way, one treats the beloved with the utmost, almost trembling respect, as God's very own image and likeness that one dares not corrupt or debase. Disinterested love develops, which is love that seeks the good of the beloved no matter what the cost to the lover. It is called 'disinterested' in that the lover ceases to be an 'interested party', and pursues only the best interests of the object of love. It is the first act of giving of oneself that happens before marriage, as one begins to live to serve another instead of the self. It is inherently self-less. It is done out of love for the Lord which extends to His son/daughter. It is the start of desiring the salvation of another; of loving a person more than the gratification of one's desires or achieving personal happiness.

This is why people who are protective of their own happiness often fail to love. For when loving feelings dissipate, they feel they owe it to themselves to be happy again, and so they move on, forget the promises they made, and seek their own personal happiness at the expense of the person they left behind. This is also why people who are used to seeking the gratification of the senses have no room to love truly. Engaging in sensual pleasures focus our attentions inward - that is, to the self. The same is true for pain, which is also sensory. When our sensations are strong, we tend to forget everything outside of it. If you have a huge, gaping wound, it is difficult to pay attention to anything else. This is also true for strong sensual pleasures. If we are used to giving in, we are inadvertently building the destructive habit of attending only to ourselves. And when we do that, we are not leaving room for true love. For true love, as we just discussed, is inherently selfless.

Does this mean we ought to denounce all sorts of physical pleasures, especially sexual intimacy? Not at all! This is the grave mistake of going the other way and taking it to the extreme. For as we know, the one-flesh union is undeniably necessary within a marital relationship. Chastity is not hatred or total rejection of sex. The virtue involves abstaining from sex as a main component, but as we've established, abstinence is not all the virtue is about. Because if that were so, then the marital sexual union would be wrong, too. And we know that this is not the case. A common misconception is that chastity is a virtue for single people only. This is incorrect - the call to chastity does not end on the wedding day. People often forget that married couples are also called to chastity.

The marriage license is not a carte blanche for gratifying all sexual and carnal desire. Married couples are just as called to disinterested love as everybody else. Sexual intimacy must always be an expression of love and unity which involves the respect of one another as persons. It should always be the outward expression of a perfect unity that already exists - that is, the union of two hearts, minds, and souls, whom God have joined and who have vowed to remain as such. Without those things, as... preconditions, if you may, the sexual act is empty and becomes merely a mixing of two bodies for physical pleasure. Married couples are not immune to sins against chastity, i.e. lust. They are also capable of using each other as objects of pleasure if they do not abide by God and lose sight of the meaning of true love. One might even say that it is even worse to lust after one's spouse for it is an offense against love, and thus an offense against marital vows made before God.

As with many things, virtue is about balance. It is not giving our carnal appetites free rein (even within marriage), nor is it rejecting sexual desire. Food, for example, is to satisfy hunger and appetite. We control our intake of food as necessary. First, we do not give solid food to infants, even if babies like to grab the food and try to eat it. We keep them from eating adult food until they are ready. As adults, we also avoid unhealthy foods as much as possible, and we do not overfeed ourselves to obesity. We are aware of the growing threat of obesity with the ubiquity of unhealthy, fatty foods and with the decline in discipline among many. But the fact that obesity happens does not make us reject our appetite for food; it doesn't make us reject eating altogether. It is similar with the sexual appetite. Just because sexuality can be misused and abused does not mean we ought to do away with it completely. Chastity is about the proper expression of sexual desire, not rejection of sexual desire. It is about knowing the right time to express it (within marriage); when the right time comes, it's about ensuring the right conditions are met (i.e. free from lust). Sexual desire is in us for a reason - because the desire for union with the person we love is a reflection of our soul's desire for union with God. This is why the sacrament of matrimony is so important, so central to our faith and to society. It is the expression of God's truth - of that much-awaited union of Christ and His Church. And when the Bridegroom comes, the Bride must be perfect. The Bride must be pure. We must be pure.

The next time you complain how unreasonable a demand
chastity is, look at this image.

Our over-sexualized culture makes it difficult to practise chastity. But it is possible if we are willing to take the necessary effort. In fact, we must make the necessary effort, if we wish to follow Christ. I am reminded of the words of St. Josemaria Escriva:

"To defend his purity, Saint Francis of Assisi rolled in the snow, Saint Benedict threw himself into a thornbush, Saint Bernard plunged into an icy pond . . . You . . . what have you done?"

Singles, be prepared.

In my experience, entrusting your life and vocation to God and waiting for the right person can be a long and arduous process, and you might be single for a good long time. This is marked by periods of loneliness and occasional feelings of hopelessness all of which constitute a real test of faith. It is also a test of patience, as you deal with many questions and comments (many of which will be stupid)  on why you are still single.

Dan Pearce, of the blog Single Dad Laughing has a very funny post on how to deal with such situations. An excerpt:

There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Thank you for rubbing my nose in my inability to get any of them.

You're just too picky.
So, you're saying I should settle?

Are you kidding? I wish I was single and in your shoes.
Poor baby.

You're so attractive! What seems to be the problem?
How do I answer this without making you or me look like a jerk?

Maybe you're not trying hard enough.
Oooooh. That must be it. I think what you're really saying is that I'm not easy enough.

Read more.

The point? Remember that this is something you'll look back on and laugh. I am not particularly endorsing fighting rudeness with rudeness - this post is all in good humor. But oh, how tempting.

Who understands love best?

I found this gem while reading the Catechism a while back:

St. John Chrysostom suggests that young husbands should say to their wives: I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us.... I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you. (§ 2365 CCC)

 We turn to people with extensive experience in a given field for great knowledge and expertise. Not so with love. It is not the people who have had lots of experience with relationships, nor is it necessarily people who have kept long-term relationships who know best about true love. The problem with the former is that the number of romantic relationships you've been in only shows the number of failures you've had with romance. The problem with the latter is that longevity does not necessarily make a healthy and happy relationship. We know couples who have been married for decades whose relationships are dysfunctional or are just plain unhappy.

Rather, it is those closest to God, the source of love, who truly understand true love. And whether they are married or not is of no relevance. Want a happy, lasting relationship? Work on knowing and loving God. Only He gives couples the grace they need to make love last. Only He can continually inspire love in our hearts when our emotions fail us. Love God, and loving others will follow. It is only when we abide by Him who is love, can we love truly and completely. To fail in this is to cut off oneself from the one source of love. That would make it extremely difficult to love fully. Because we cannot give what we cannot have.

Those who have God, have love. And they are the only ones who can give it.

On Being In Love

More than once, people have come to me about a newfound love, with those oh-so-familiar starry eyes and the giddiness of a schoolgirl. And almost unfailingly, each person would say excitedly, "this is it."

It gets difficult to believe after the fifth or so time. And it's almost puzzling how, after years of failed relationships with each ex-boyfriend or girlfriend believed to be 'the one', people never waver in their confidence that they've found the right one 'this time'.

There are some who have taken a more 'realistic' approach, and avoid speaking of their current relationship as if it would last forever. "Sure, we like each other, but we'll see how it goes." This approach is only useful for cushioning the self more or less effectively when it results in failure. Sure, it failed, but hey, they knew it all along right? But often, the failure happens because they never valued it all along.  You can almost hear the sound of the baby crying for being thrown out in the cold with the bathwater.

The problem with the "realistic approach" is that it denies the natural desires of romantic love, which is the desire, the intense passion and feeling that gives rise to the conviction that it's going to last forever. It attempts to build relationships without a key element of romance. And in doing so, fails. The problem with the 100th-this-is-it people, is that their only understanding of romantic love is the intense feelings. So that when these feelings start to cool down naturally overtime, they begin to lose their motivation, and all that's left is this person who demands so much of their time and annoys them sometimes. And then, failure.

So what's the proper approach? First, let's look at the nature of romantic love. For this, I must turn to the ever wise, ever eloquent C.S. Lewis:

It is part of the nature of a strong erotic passion [romantic love] — as distinct from a transient fit of appetite — that it makes more towering promises than any other emotion. . . To be in love involves the almost irresistible conviction that one will go on being in love until one dies. . .

The first thing is to recognize the nature of falling in love. We cannot deny the feelings that come with it without distorting it. We must accept that part of these strong emotions is the claim of eternity.

But Lewis goes on to say,

Unfortunately these promises are found often to be quite untrue.

We know this from experience, as all of us know at least one person who has told us that such-and-such was "the one" but is no longer with that partner. But note that Lewis did not say 'always found to be untrue', but 'often'. Which means such promises do not have to be untrue. In fact, there are cases when they have been made true. The operative word there is 'made'. Falling in love impels us to promise eternity. But it is not the feelings of being in love that keep it. It is up to us - not our emotions or our moods, but our efforts, guided by a strong will, dedication, and commitment.

It is also important that we do not forget the role of reason which guides us towards who to make and keep such promises to. We will feel a variation of "this is it" multiple times, but not all objects of such desires are worthy of our promise of eternity. And it is when the emotion is especially strong that we should be extra cautious, and really take reason up to task. For that has the greater ability to deceive us. Choosing my beloved is not something that falling in love drove me to do. Don't get me wrong, I had (and have) every intense desire to be with him. But it is 'falling in love' that fueled it, and my will that accomplished it. I knew he was the right person because it was the first time that my heart and my head were in complete agreement. I felt and knew he was the one. So that years from now I would never look back and wonder, as many couples do, "why on earth did I choose this person?" There is usually a second part to that question that is unspoken which is, "...and not somebody else?" And it is a good question to ask before choosing a boyfriend/girlfriend who will ultimately be your spouse. "Why this person and not someone else? What makes him/her special?" I know I'll never ask that question years from now because I knew the answer before I decided to be with my man. Because before I even met him, I knew what I wanted in a husband. And as I got to know him through a long friendship (five or so years), I discovered that he fit the profile. So I will never forget why I'm with him because I chose him for who he is, not just because of what I felt at the time.

Lewis provides us a good picture of a good, blissful, and lasting relationship:

When two people achieve lasting happiness, this is not solely because they are great lovers but because they are also — I must put it crudely — good people; controlled, loyal, fair-minded, mutually adaptable people. [emphasis mine]

It is not the strength of our emotions that give happiness and permanence to romantic relationships. It is the strength of will of those involved. While the wonderful, giddy, passionate emotions are inherent in romantic love, they should always be tempered by a clear mind and a strong will. And best of all, by the goodness and grace of God that abide in us, as long as we abide by Him.

See marriage in your future? Consider this.

Often, people tie the knot without truly preparing themselves. Anthony Buono of 6 Stone Jars (a great blog on Christian dating and relationships) tells us to consider the following when contemplating marriage:

Circumstances and disappointments are the cornerstone of any relationship. If you want to be in a great relationship of love and happiness, you have to accept that things are not going to go like you want them to. It will be filled with lots of unexpected things.

And it comes with advice that to some hopefuls might appear unpalatable:

People who cannot handle the unexpected might consider not pursuing marriage. A relationship of love is a mutual exchange of persons. If you cannot handle who that person is, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is not the right person. It might actually be the best person for you to benefit your changing for the better.

Of course, for those singles who have problems dealing with change, all hope is not lost. There is plenty of time to develop this ability and overall outlook. Remember that marriage preparation does not begin only after slipping that gorgeous, sparkly rock on your finger. In fact, if possible, it ought to start while you're still single. First, with prayers, and then with making the necessary changes in you. Ask yourself, "will I make a good wife/husband? What do I have to offer?"

Years ago, when I started developing feelings for my significant other and co-author, Peregrinus, my mother took note of the change in my behavior, and I was told that she said to my sister about me, in almost disbelief: "she ...cleans the bathroom now. We went out to the store and she wanted to get all these cleaning supplies."

Of course, that wasn't the only change I made, but it was one of the first things that occured to me. I've done different kinds of cleaning around the house before, but have purposely avoided the bathroom. So at the time, I couldn't help but think, "how could I honestly say that I would make a good wife if I couldn't even keep a house clean?"

This process of changing oneself is not easy. Heck, even the idea of changing the self for another person is difficult to accept in our "me first!" culture. But when I speak of such a change, I mean self-improvement. It includes looking honestly at and inside ourselves and discovering real flaws that we could (and should!) work on. This is something that we should be doing anyway, marriage hopeful or otherwise. But it is especially important if we wish to get married. For if we marry, it ceases to be about ourselves, but about the person we love. Selfishness has no place in marriage. We know we are thinking right about marriage and love when we focus on what we have to offer and not what the other person can give us. Marital union is a gift of self, not a gift we give to ourselves.

Of course, this does not mean we can be lax in our standards and foolishly think that as long as we have the right perspective, marriage will work out. It is important that your chosen spouse shares the same outlook. Marriage is a two-way street. It does not work if all the efforts to improve are only seen on one end. It is a good match when a man and a woman honestly say to each other, "I wish to be better for you."

On Education, Or Lack Thereof

Jennifer Fulwiler at National Catholic Register ponders the question, "do housewives waste their educations?" Her answer surprised her, which was 'yes'. But for her, it wasn't because there was anything wrong or lacking in the vocation of being a stay-at-home mom

[...] when I considered whether I ever use the knowledge I gained in my four (okay, four and a half) years in college, I realized that the answer was no. But the problem isn’t with my vocation; it’s with my education.

Fulwiler describes her education as a quest for purely practical knowledge - arming the self with skills and information that will help us navigate the competitive career world. This was partly due to her former atheism, she goes on to say, as she had avoided philosophy classes that would have introduced her to the bigger questions on finding truth, wisdom, existence, and meaning.

While it is true that the absence of philosophical courses makes for a severely lacking education, my experience and observation of others tell me that the presence of them does not necessarily make one a lot better at navigating the world of abstract ideas and in using critical thinking to evaluate their validity. I can only count with one hand the courses that I have taken wherein the important subjects dealing with philosophy, religion, and politics were taught without bias and contempt for anything traditional/conservative. Even professors that don't deal with such subjects would often pepper their lessons with anti-conservative or anti-christian sentiments. My professor in cognitive psychology, in teaching the history of the field, dismissed any theories that included God by saying that they were unconvincing. He did not even bother telling the class about any of them so that the students could decide for themselves. Not to mention my developmental psychology professor, who, going on a political tangent, told the class that skeptics of global warming 'are ignoring scientific evidence' just to conform to a party platform. And then there's the same professor's lamenting over the embryonic stem cell controversy and its lack of advances in the US because of the "A-word" and then going on to cite the example and sing the praises of some Scandinavian countries that have made progress in their research.

One of my few good professors in his refusal to answer a student's question on who he was voting for in the 2008 elections, said that he knows many of his colleagues talk about their political views in class, but he refuses to do the same. "I think it's very unprofessional," he says, shaking his head. "If you really want to hear my views on that, see me after class." The other three or four unbiased professors I've had have said something similar - that while the norm is a professor bringing his politics and own personal views in his teaching, what they want is to teach us "how to think" as opposed to "what to think", and let us make our own conclusions and decide for ourselves what to believe. There is a shortage of such professors. And talking with friends who graduated from different schools revealed that it wasn't just at my alma mater.

This is probably why we have intellectual giants such as Chesterton with the following words about education:

"No man who worships education has got the best out of education... Without a gentle contempt for education, no man's education is complete."

To help us understand this, perhaps Mark Twain's distinction between formal education (schooling) and education would help:

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

Not to mention Einstein's:

These days, taking school too seriously could very well lead to a closing of the mind. Political correctness is the order of the day. New biases are formed, new and progressive ideas are preferred over time-honoured (and tested!) ones, with the latter being rejected just because they are 'old', without a fair and balanced examination of why they were there to begin with. Challenging the progressive ideas, taking a conservative-leaning position, is automatically hate-filled, fascist, racist, sexist, or religious fundamentalist, and should be dismissed if not driven out of public discourse.

Formal education, despite the inclusion of liberal studies such as philosophy, literature, political science, and so on, does not necessarily provide a broadened view or the skills to help us know and understand our world, our lives, and our purpose in our limited existence. This is worrying because discovering such truths enables us to address the pressing issues of the day such as raising our children and what values to instill to the next generation, what kind of society we wish to build, what kind of society is best, and so on and so forth  

If I had taken too seriously my public university education which included those important subjects, I would've been a flaming liberal. I would've had nothing but contempt for the honourable vocation of being a full-time mother and housewife. I would have ceased to be Catholic or even Christian. I would have been of the belief that it is best to raise genderless kids without taking any account of the differences between male and female and the strengths inherent in each sex. That is assuming I wouldn't have been completely against having children to begin with. I would have insisted to decide what womanhood meant for me, which could very well be anti-woman (see radical feminism) not to mention out of step with even basic biology. I would have rejected real femininity and real masculinity. I wouldn't have been a romantic.

They ask, "Where have all the good men gone?"

Here's a clue:

“To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

-Abp Fulton Sheen

How can any woman expect a man to step up if she doesn't make herself worthy of the treatment which she demands? How can women demand respect and to be treated like a lady when they have lost respect for themselves and have sold out to the idea of the feminist sexual revolution, valuing unbridled 'freedom' over dignity, virtue, and true femininity?

Buying into the feminist view, women have turned their backs on their natures and pretended that they can be like men. Radical feminism has led us to believe that if women only achieved what men have (status, power, higher incomes, even promiscuity) they would be happy. Except that women aren't. Women's happiness have declined in the last few decades despite the fact that women have been achieving as much as men. Women bear the brunt of the consequences of the so-called sexual revolution. Women's health are more threatened with the effects of hormonal/artificial birth control on their bodies that make them more susceptible to infections (STDs), not to mention the risks of cervical, breast cancers, etc.

Women have let men use them, have let men make them an object to get pleasure from by willingly ingesting artificial hormones in their bodies that deny woman's God-given fertility. We long for men who like us for who are, but what about respecting what we are? As beautiful human beings with the gift of fertility, with the amazing strength and capacity to bear new life within us - imprints of God's very own nature in us that creates, breathes, and loves life into existence. Instead women bought into a counterfeit that promises the pleasure of sex without its real meaning. Women have developed an attitude of denial, even contempt, for their fertility, as something that gets in the way of "having fun". In the process, woman has welcomed the same attitude from man towards her body so that he regards the life-giving part of her as an obstacle, like it's some sort of flaw or disease that needs to be "fixed" or be "gotten around of". Women have made themselves and men treat the most godly part of a woman as a "problem".

The so-called modern woman has let feminism destroy the real meaning of her sexuality which God had put in her so that she could image Him in its proper expression. She has let feminism reduce her sexuality to urges that she must be "free" to express without the contraints of traditional morality, now regarded as "too old fashioned". She has, in her decision to be sexually permissive, written off God as "out-of-date".

We have made it easy for men to get sex without that lifelong commitment, the promise to provide, to stay with us, to love us unconditionally. No wonder fewer people are deciding to get married - the behaviours of women today make it so that their bodies can be used outside of a committed, loving, lifelong relationship. Men do not need to get married to have sex. Men no longer need to prove worthiness with the sexually permissive women of today. We have made it too easy for men. Women have become too easy for men.

So you ask, "where have all the good men gone?" Without real femininity, what has man to strive for? 

Perhaps we should begin with the question, "where have all the good women gone?"